


Angel Standing By

by xcaellachx



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Sad, kid!kurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 17:00:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3389402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcaellachx/pseuds/xcaellachx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little Kurt struggles to stay strong through his mother's sickness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angel Standing By

“Green Ranger, do you take Blue Ranger to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Kurt asked quietly, holding his Power Rangers up. The Black Ranger was leaning against his Lego Barbie house, overseeing the ceremony.

“I do,” he mimed for the green toy.

He began to say the vows for the Blue Ranger when a wracking cough filled the halls of his house. His head popped up, looking toward the sound before bowing back down, instantly beginning to hum his current favorite song. The harsh sounds continued and he fought back the tears that threatened.

“Stay strong,” he murmured to himself. “Daddy said stay strong and it will help Mommy be strong.” Nodding his head at his own words, he began singing. He usually sang it with Mommy, but maybe hearing it would make her feel like singing again.

 

_No more talk of darkness,_

_Forget these wide-eyed fears._

_I'm here, nothing can harm you_

_My words will warm and calm you._

_Let me be your freedom,_

_Let daylight dry your tears._

_I'm here, with you, beside you,_

_To guard you and to guide you . . ._

_Then say you love me every winter morning,_

_Turn my head with talk of summertime . . ._

_Say you need me with you, now and always . . ._

_Promise me that all you say is true_

_That's all I ask of you . . ._

 

He sang through the entire song as his Rangers went through the motions of their repeat wedding – they constantly argued over Blue Ranger’s wardrobe choices and got divorced. Kurt tried to ignore the sounds coming from his mommy’s room. She’d been sick for what seemed like forever to his young mind. Some days were better than others. Some days she would let him snuggle next to her in bed and read his latest book from school to her. It hurt her chest to sing or talk too much, but she would listen to anything he had to say. Other days, like today, Daddy said it would be best if Mommy had quiet alone time.

Mrs. Hudson would come over and sit with her sometimes when Daddy had to work because she was a nurse. The tire shop was doing well and Daddy said he had to work as much as possible to keep the insurance happy, whatever that meant. Mrs. Hudson had brought her son over to play one time. Finn was fun, though he wanted to spend all of his time outside. When their classmates found out Finn had been over though, Finn’s best friend Puck had laughed at him. Finn never came over again.

Kurt was happy spending time alone, though. He was used to it. Nobody else could understand the perfect way his Rangers and Barbie’s liked to be set up. They couldn’t figure out why Barbie liked to wear her violet halter dress when she hung out with GI Joe. Mercedes came close to getting him, she was his closest friend. Sometimes his only friend. It was weird how some of his classmates didn’t mind playing with him as long as they could keep it a secret.

“Hey buddy, how’s the wedding?” his dad asked, coming in and kneeling down next to him.

“Daddy!” Kurt cried and sat up to wrap his arms around his dad. His daddy was so strong and Kurt felt like if he hugged him enough, maybe Kurt would be strong too. He snuggled into his Dad’s arms and breathed him in. He smelled of car oil and his perfume. Cologne, daddy called it. But it made him smell pretty, so Kurt called it perfume. “The wedding is going well. Green Ranger was late because he lost weight and had to have his suit taken in.”

Burt chuckled weakly, the sound vibrating against Kurt’s ear. “So, another typical Ranger wedding. Bud, listen, I need to take Mommy to the doctor. I want you to stay here with Mrs. Jones and Mercedes. They’ll be here soon.”

Kurt looked up at him. Daddy sounded weird. His eyes were shiny and Kurt’s stomach flipped over. “Daddy? Is Mommy okay?” he asked quietly.

Burt looked down at him, seeing the beautiful blue green eyes of his beloved Lizzie. “Not so much, Kurt. She’s getting really tired.”

Kurt’s eyes grew wide. Tired. That word was being used more and more as his mommy got sicker. Mommy had told him that if she didn’t get better, her body would get too tired to stay awake. Kurt had asked when she would wake up if that happened. She’d smiled and said that sometimes if a body got too tired, it might never wake up again. That meant the person went to a better place, God would take the person home to heaven. Kurt had asked why God got to have the tired person, but Mommy had started coughing and Daddy had told him to go play.

“Is Mommy gonna go to sleep?” he whispered. He tried to be a strong boy, but his eyes decided it was time to cry.

Burt wiped Kurt’s cheeks, blinking quickly to keep his own tears back. How did he prepare his son to lose his mother? He couldn’t even prepare himself. “She’s, um, well, she’s fighting, buddy, but her body is just not letting her. Come on, come give your mommy a hug and tell her you love her.” Taking his little boy’s hand, he helped him up and led him out of the room.

Kurt followed him, holding tightly to his father’s hand. They entered his mommy’s room and he gasped. She’d been losing weight for a while, but seeing her like this, dressed in her favorite gray robe – Dior gray, his mommy had stated proudly when Kurt and his dad had bought it for her for Christmas – was shocking. Her face wasn’t creamy white like it normally was. Daddy would run his fingers across her cheeks and tell her she looked like a beautiful porcelain doll. Mommy would turn pink and give him kisses which made Kurt yell ‘ew’, though secretly it made him feel happy inside. Now she was so pale and so skinny her robe was tied around her twice. Her once beautiful hair was gone and covered up by a lavender scarf Kurt had picked out. Kurt had offered to shave off his own hair when she had but she’d said a definite no. She told him it would be a crime and besides, she liked running her fingers through his chestnut hair.

This bald, skinny woman looked like a stranger, but those eyes, so much like his own, sparkled when she saw him, and told him with no doubt that she was still his mommy. Those eyes told him he was loved and just maybe everything would be okay.

“Kurt, baby, come here,” Lizzie said, opening her arms. She swallowed heavily, knowing she had to get through this without breaking down. How did you say goodbye to your baby? How did you say goodbye while preparing him for life without you and letting him know he would be okay eventually? She prayed for strength and took his warm body into her arms for possibly the last time.

“Mommy? Are you going to be okay?” Kurt asked, wishing his stupid eyes would dry up so it wouldn’t make mommy look so sad. He hugged her then crawled up on the bed and held her hands, ignoring how cold her fingers were as they wrapped around his.

“Baby, my body is so tired. I’m trying to stay awake, but sometimes it just gets too hard. But I want you to do something for me, okay?” She had prepared what she would say to him for so long, but her mind was blank. It was so hard to keep thoughts clear these days.

“I’ll do anything,” Kurt swore fervently. If his mommy asked him to clean every room in the house and even mow the yard – which he hated – he would. Anything for her.

“I want you to keep being yourself, Kurt Evan Hummel. I want you to love who you are, every part of you. Keep loving fashion and music and singing. Never let the world beat you down or change you. You are absolutely perfect exactly the way you are. It doesn’t matter if people tease you or say you’re weird, don’t listen to them, do you understand?” She knew her son would fight an uphill battle his whole life, but he couldn’t give in. Loving fashion, singing and being gay were nothing he should ever have to apologize for. It would be hard, but she knew her son was stronger than that, stronger than this backwater town they lived in. He would leave someday. Paris, maybe, or New York. Then he would take the world for all it had and they would rue the day they tried to crush him.

Kurt nodded, his eyes wide. His mommy had always told him he was perfect just as he was. She sounded almost angry, her words firm, implanting themselves in his mind.

“I want to sing you a song, okay, baby?” Lizzie said and nodded at Burt.

He picked up his guitar and began picking out the beginning notes of the song she had picked out as her final goodbye to their son. He didn’t tell her, but this would be the last time he would ever play the guitar. She’d taught him how to play. He’d only done it to make her happy, to enjoy music with her. Now there would be no point.

 

_All through the night I'll be watching over you…_

 

Her voice was weak, but Kurt didn’t think she’d ever sounded as beautiful. She continued singing, the words washing over him, filling him with her love. He just knew she would come back home to him after the hospital made her better.

When she finished singing, her voice a mere whisper, Kurt wrapped his arms tight around her and fought the urge to cry as he breathed her in. Her perfume was the best smell in the world. Better than new shoes, better than her famous cheesecake, better than all the flowers in the world. Daddy had complained one time that he had to buy her twice the perfume because Kurt insisted all his teddy bears wanted to wear the same scent. Mommy had just laughed and spritzed Patti Lupone Bear behind the ears.

Lizzie squeezed him to her, running her fingers through his silky hair, memorizing the feel of him in her arms, his soft, sweet smell. Her little man, so very precious to her. She refused to let her mind think of how much he would suffer when she left him. Burt would be there, he would love Kurt through this. Tears began trickling down her cheeks despite her best efforts. The pain of the cancer in her chest was nothing like the ache in her heart knowing she was leaving her baby and her beloved husband.

She took Kurt’s little chin and lifted it until their matching eyes met. “I love you, Kurt Hummel. I always will, whether you can see me or not.”

Kurt sniffled, trying to blink away the tears so he could see her more clearly. “I love you, too, Mommy. Forever.”

Lizzie smiled at him, trying to memorize everything about him, wondering what he would like when he was grown and so very angry that she wouldn’t have the chance to find out. “I am so proud of you, sweetheart. Be good for Daddy, okay?” Kurt nodded and she pulled him close, tucking his head under her chin where he belonged. She rocked him as she’d done since he was born, humming under her breath. Finally she knew she couldn’t keep herself together anymore. Leaning down to his ear, she whispered her love. “I love you, baby. I’ll be watching over you. Love your daddy too, baby, he’ll need you.”

Kurt nodded again. “I will, Mommy,” he sniffled.

She looked over at her Burt, her soul mate. She let him see her anguish and he nodded, swallowing heavily.

“Kurt, bud, come on, I heard Mrs. Jones and Mercedes come in a few minutes ago. Give your mommy kisses goodbye,” Burt said gruffly. He closed his eyes when he realized what he’d said. Every time they left, he would tell Kurt to kiss his mom goodbye. Now it took on an entirely new meaning.

Kurt kissed his mommy on both of her cheeks so she would know that he loved her double. “I love you, Mommy. Forever and forever.”

She kissed him on his forehead. “Forever,” she whispered.

Kurt hopped down and watched his mommy as he followed his daddy out of the room. His last glimpse of her was a soft smile, her eyes shining with love.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, Kurt played with Mercedes. Her mommy had brought all of his favorite movies and foods with them. His tummy didn’t feel very good, though, so he just ate a little because it wouldn’t be polite if he didn’t at least try.

Mercedes talked a lot, not seeming to mind that Kurt didn’t answer as much as he usually would. The song his mommy had sang to him played through his mind instead of the words being said to him. He hadn’t heard it before, but it was so pretty.

When it was time for bed, Kurt went and crawled into his parent’s bed, snuggling into his mommy’s pillow, breathing her scent in. It would make her smile to see Kurt there when she got home like other times when she’d gone to the hospital. Though his tummy still hurt, the smell of his parents surrounding him finally soothed him to sleep.

. . . . .

He woke slowly the next morning, his body warm and relaxed. Smiling, he realized he was so warm because he was wrapped up in his daddy’s arms. The safest place in the world.

Turning slowly, he saw his daddy’s face was sad, even in sleep. He traced the stubbly cheeks with his finger, the tummy ache he’d had the night before coming back.

“Lizzie,” his daddy whimpered at his soft touch, tears leaking from his closed eyes.

“Daddy?” Kurt’s voice shook as fear filled his heart.

Burt’s eyes slowly opened, taking in the worried face of his little boy, his small hand still on his cheek. “Kurt,” was all he could get out before a sob ripped through him.

Kurt sat up, shaking his head. His daddy didn’t cry like this. He was strong, he was stronger than the all the Power Rangers and GI Joes put together! “No, no, no,” he was whispering, though he didn’t realize it.

Burt sat up and pulled his small son into his lap. “Kurt, baby, I’m so sorry.”

Even being so young, Kurt didn’t need to be told what happened. “No! Daddy, you have to go back to the hospital. Mommy is gonna be there all alone and she’s going to be lonely. She needs to come home,” he babbled, tiny sobs shaking him, his head shaking back and forth. “Go back and get her! She’s not gone!”

“Baby, I can’t. Mommy’s body got too tired,” Burt tried to tell him.

Kurt’s small fists began beating on his chest. “No! You left her there alone! Go get her! She’s going to come back home and sing with me!”

Burt let Kurt hit him, let him get out his pain. “She’s with God now, bud,” he said, hoping to give him comfort.

Kurt pulled away from him, his little face red and angry. “Why does God get her? God is stupid! We love her better, he should give her back to us! He doesn’t need her, we do!” Kurt cried.

“Kurt Evan Hummel!” Burt was shocked at Kurt’s words, though he couldn’t say he disagreed.

“Elizabeth, Daddy,” Kurt said tearfully.

“What?” Burt asked him.

“Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. That’s my name now,” Kurt announced, his expression firm even through his tears.

Burt looked at him for a moment. It was a very _Kurt_ thing to do and he knew Lizzie would have loved it. He finally nodded. “Kurt Elizabeth Hummel it is.”

Kurt smiled tremulously before giving into his tears once again. Soon they were both sobbing, clutching each other, trying to stay grounded.

“Daddy, please, I miss her,” Kurt cried.

“I do, too, buddy. I miss her so, so much,” Burt said, rocking his baby. They were all the other had now.

. . . . .

A couple days later, Kurt stood crying at the edge of the grave next to his father. He couldn’t control the sobs shaking him as he watched the brown box holding his mommy get lowered into the ground. He would never see her again and he didn’t understand why. Why she had to leave and never come back. Why he would never look into her sparkly eyes and hear her say she loved him. This was it. This stupid brown box got to hold his mommy forever and he didn’t. Nothing felt right, nothing made sense. He felt like he was floating and couldn’t hold onto anything solid. His world was spinning out of control and he sobbed as he felt so utterly lost.

He looked up at his dad, saw the tears streaming down that strong face. Say something, Kurt pleaded silently. Please Daddy, he thought, please say something and make it better. Make the world okay again.

Instead of speaking, his dad reached down and took his small hand, squeezing it firmly. With that one movement, Kurt’s chest opened and he could breathe. The pain was still there, he still wanted his mommy more than anything in the world. But he wasn’t alone. His Daddy was there, helping him be strong. Daddy would take care of him.

. . . . .

That night he slept in his parent’s bed again, cuddled up close to his daddy, Patti Lupone Bear tucked tightly into his arms. He hadn’t strayed from his father’s side since his mommy left, it was the only place where he felt safe. People at the funeral had told him his mommy would be there, watching over him like an angel. It reminded him of the song she’d sung to him what felt like a million years ago. Now as he fell asleep, surrounded by the warmth of his father and the scent of his mother, the sound of his mother’s beautiful voice filled his mind and eased him to sleep.

 

_All through the night I'll be watching over you_

_And all through the night I'll be standing over you_

_And through bad dreams I'll be right there, baby_

_Telling you that everything's going to be alright_

_And when you cry I'll be there baby_

_Telling you you’re never nothing less than beautiful_

_So don't you worry_

_I'm your angel standing by_

**Author's Note:**

> All I Ask Of You: Andrew Lloyd Webber
> 
> Angel Standing By: Jewel (Story title taken from song)


End file.
